Friday, May 1, 2009

a sign of the times..

Working Late

Image by jennifer buehrer via Flickr


The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

The virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises.

If infected, take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

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Monday, February 9, 2009

An important message from your banker !

* * * Beware of Identify Theft * * *

47666C7196A34D5BB7890ADBAB287C81 65A02F9AC3F94ED9BB973ADCB1C01D4B

 222EFC2A63474A509253D0355DE2AA87 OMG, how can anyone tell them apart ??

834136C7695B49F59A47EEA9A31A4662 E489AAAB63AA4EBB9144BE271C6664CE

47C14A7ACA4841DD83FE63CA50FEB6C5  A3DDAA5E3ACB4BC0A183DF73B0EED473

D00707C6451B4CE18AED8B1CF49B7F05 83DC1B8DDF794D66A30227FC10E9AF30

67458C659A0446F08DD086A9F4C3291D 95403E23BDFF4F97B0615F224E36FAB1

52E94A90CD484E0C9CE2FA0EED8A8D84 B36192A95A5D44A6A553AB2ADD6B470B

D041AB2900B3415CAAE5B1DD993AA6BC 4F22402A67C1440DAF82550D9DD7CEF4

77F08F822A1D4E70B1828E51E325A421 56925CF4FF1E4D63A8F340ACF1B99EB8

  OH, i can hear the OOHHing and AAAHHing already

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB?says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Michael Phelps - the early years

I had no idea how important swimming fast is to survival.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

ESPN wordmark.Image via WikipediaWell, let's see if you can guess who is being referred to here:

Man Who Used Stick To Roll Ball Into Hole In Ground Praised For His Courage

SAN DIEGO—A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity.

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Friday, January 25, 2008

Fuktiol 1000mg

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!


Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.


When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "


Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.


A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.